FINDING HEALING AFTER A BROKEN ENGAGEMENT

This is something I never thought I would share. In fact, it was something I never wanted anyone to know about me. And yet here I am, willingly sharing it for the whole world to hear. If you are currently walking through a broken engagement, I am so sorry that you are hurting so deeply. I was thinking about you today and this post is for you.

When I was walking through my season of a broken engagement, I believed all of the lies that I was used goods, the only one, and no man would ever want to be with someone who had been engaged before. In my mind, nobody else in the world understood the pain that I was feeling and the solidarity I felt having to go through this time alone… I cried out to the Lord, “God, how could you allow this to happen to me?”

Now, over a year later, I am beginning to see the purpose behind my pain. And I am praying that this same realization occurs for you as well. Keep your head up, God is saving you for something and someone so much greater than you could ever imagine or realize. These are some of the things I have learned and the steps I followed to help me heal through my brokenness. And I hope they bring you some comfort along your journey as well.

1 // Choose the path that preserves your dignity

We can all agree that breakups are hard. But for you and me, a broken engagement cuts deeper than any emotional pain we have experienced before. It involves many more layers and usually, a much longer-lasting heartache. No matter the reason that you and your significant other have decided to call it off, it is important that you act in a way that preserves your dignity. Because you may not be with him anymore, but you’ll have to live with yourself and the choices you have made forever.

I feel like I can say this to you only because I have done it the other way around and can only advise you from my own mistakes. In the past, I have lost control of my emotions in the heat of the moment and said things I shouldn’t have that I couldn’t take back. I can honestly say that you will never regret creating a safe space for closure in your relationship. After we mutually broke off our engagement, I chose to meet up with my ex-fiance in-person and asked my pastor to mediate our conversation. In this way, we were both able to communicate with one another in a cordial and respectful way, receive closure from our relationship, apologize for the mistakes we made, and forgive each other for the hurt we had both caused.

2 // All that matters is what you think, not anybody else’s opinion

I think it’s pretty indicative of our current social culture that one of the first things I thought about when my world was crashing down was “What are people going to think?!” I had been pretty public on social media throughout our relationship and almost everyone on my feed probably knew that I was engaged. So on top of feeling like a failure to myself, I now felt like a total laughingstock to everyone else. But the truth is, no one on those social media sites saw the whole picture behind my relationship because it wasn’t ever their business to know. So why should it be now? Engagements end for so many different reasons; you don’t need to feel like you have to share any more or any less information than you want to with others.

Believe it or not, people are way more self-obsessed than you think and don’t spend nearly as much time thinking about your life as you probably realize. Sure, there may be moments when your name comes up in conversation, but they are still most likely thinking about themselves for the majority of the day! Spend your time and emotional effort surrounding yourself with people that genuinely care about your life and general well-being.

To read more about my journey to discover my authentic self and develop deeper relationships with other people, check out my previous post here.

3 // Sometimes trials reveal who your real friends are

Friends of mine, if you are reading this post, all I can say from the bottom of my heart is THANK YOU. If it weren’t for the people in my life who stayed in my corner and loved me when I least deserved it, I’m honestly not sure that I would still be here to share my story today. Heartbreak and hopelessness can be some of the most detrimental emotional experiences and I don’t think enough people talk about the ramifications these emotions can cause.

You can always count on your family to be there for you and love you no matter what. But your friends are the family you choose to stand beside you through all of life’s ups and downs. Don’t be afraid to invite your family and friends to act as your primary support system through this trial and rely on them to encourage you through this season. Walking through challenging circumstances can bring out the worst, ugly, and awful sides of you as you journey through the different stages of grief. In my experience, it’s the friends that stick by you and never abandon you through as difficult a season as this that will remain your real friends forever.

4 // Learning to properly grieve will help you permanently heal

I probably would have never reached out to counseling services if I didn’t have such a drastic life change occur in my life. Of course now, I would recommend it to absolutely everyone. Through talking to my christian counselor, I found that the most painful part of my healing process was not grieving the loss of my ex-fiance, but the future that I was actively building and had envisioned for myself. My anticipated marriage wasn’t just something I had hoped for, it was something that I had planned and prayed for. And to see it coming crashing down was extremely difficult for me to bear.

My counselor was so helpful in walking me through how to process every painful emotion I was feeling in a healthy way, instead of holding everything in like I was used to, so I could properly heal. Once you overcome the pain of a broken engagement, you don’t want to have to revisit those feelings again, especially not while investing in a future relationship. If you put in the time and emotional effort required to properly grieve, I believe you will feel the same sense of acceptance, and even thankfulness, that I do now.

5 // Leave what was broken behind

With every big decision comes that lingering question in the back of your mind that makes you wonder if you made the right call. In real estate they like to call it seller’s remorse, when someone regrets the decision to sell their home or no longer has the desire to follow-through with closing. Breaking off an engagement is much deeper than a casual break up, no matter how long you were involved in your relationship. Even if the decision was mutual, a broken engagement still involves a breach of trust and a cancellation of commitment. You have to believe for yourself that everything happens for a reason and trust that God led you away from a covenant of marriage with the wrong person so He could lead you to the right person in the future.

6 // The Lord’s purpose will prevail

The Bible calls us, especially young women, to be “clothed in strength and dignity, laughing without fear of the future.”_{Proverbs 31:25} We will never be able to fully understand why some things had to happen on this side of heaven but I firmly believe that one day it will all be made clear. Be assured of this, no moment or experience is ever wasted with the Lord. This experience will mold, test, and refine you in ways you never thought imaginable, but I have learned that it is during the lowest times of our lives that we are drawn the closest to the Lord.

Finally, I wondered for so long how God was planning to redeem my past and use my story to reveal His glory. But today, I stand here (metaphorically) extremely thankful for the opportunity I was given to walk away from a relationship that was not God’s highest and best for me. Today, please be encouraged of this – your testimony is already so much stronger than it was before and I believe God will bring a man into your life, in His perfect timing, that will find your struggle to be incredibly inspiring. I hope that God will use my story and the lessons I have learned to help you grow through this season as well.